Well, I started a blog. I started a blog even though the last time I tried to start a blog, my friends told me I was just being impulsive and tried to divert my attention to something else.  It worked. They convinced me that instead of starting a blog, I should try and say as many tongue twisters as possible. I did. (As you can see, diverting my attention is a very difficult task.) But now—now that no one is watching me, no one is distracting me to participate in an exercise of enunciation efficiency- just look what I am doing. 

I think I will actually keep up with it this time.  (Lindsay, is this something you would like to bet on? Ha)

I am calling this blog “beautifully unraveled”, because I feel it represents my current state of mind and emotion quite well.  At my church, we are praying for revival. I heard an interesting comment about this a few weeks ago-a comment that is simultaneously encouraging and painful. The premise is this: revival, and a deeper relationship with Christ, is only possible when the things we cling to (ideologies, people, things, you fill in the blank) are torn down so that He can rebuild and renew our hearts and minds based on truth. It involves the tearing down of strongholds and all the other things we run to instead of Him.  It means being really honest about the condition of our hearts and confessing the idolatry that permeates every facet of life.  It is surrender of self and I am in mourning.

It’s not like I didn’t know this before. It’s not like I haven’t experienced it before either. But, as I am pruned, I feel the cutting going deeper and I have to  deal with some ugly stuff. Stuff I’d really rather just pretend isn’t there. Except truth is persistent-It refuses to let me settle for lies. It is interesting that we get pruned if we are not bearing fruit…and if we are bearing fruit, we still get pruned so we can bear more fruit. I suppose trying to escape the process is simply not a reality, and I suppose I am actually glad about that, even though I rarely feel “happy” about it.

 I’ve often struggled with surrender because it involves 2 things I find particularly challenging and totally un-fun: trust and vulnerability.  Having been manipulated and hurt so many times in my life, my default defense mechanism is trying to control everything. Even though I realize that this is:

1. at best an illusion of control, and

2. at worst is an ungodly, sinful, belief…as well as something I am totally unqualified to do and incapable of making happen.

But that leaves me with this feeling of overwhelming vulnerability. And I don’t like that either. Avoiding this feeling is what drives me to want to be in control in the first place.  Being in a place of vulnerability means I can get hurt. Things may not go the way I want them to. I might be unhappy. And I don’t want that. 

I feel like that is what I have been coming to terms with over the last couple of months. I am experiencing a new level of brokenness and helplessness and seeing the idolatry and selfishness in my own life for what it is.  I am seeing that often the idols in my life are not possessions, but rather my own stubborn will and wanting things to go according to my plans. Often it is taking something good and making it ultimate  (listen to this for more info.)

I am learning that surrender does not mean surrendering most things to Him and holding on to the things I really want to keep. It’s an all or nothing kind of thing. And it is hard.

I like the idea of surrender so much more than the act. Pretending I am willing, while keeping all my plans intact.

Still, it is strangely encouraging as well. God does not hold out on us. He does not teach us things for our destruction, but for our benefit. He loves us with an unfailing love.  “My soul wait thou only upon God, for my expectation is in Him”. He is enough. He is qualified; He is well-able to do what he promises and much more than I can imagine. And I am learning to let go of the lies I’ve believed and instead rest in Him. 

The journey toward wholeness and freedom involves a painful unraveling of self (to separate or disentangle; to take apart, undo, destroy), but it’s destination is beauty  (having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind).   His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

Also, check out this sermon; it sums up what I have been thinking about & struggling with: Audio link; Transcript 

beau⋅ti⋅ful–adjective1. having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

 

1. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.

 

2. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

–noun

3. the concept of beauty (usually prec. by the).

 

4. (used with a plural verb ) beautiful things or people collectively (usually prec. by the): the good and the beautiful.

 

5. the ideal of beauty (usually prec. by the): to strive to attain the beautiful.

interjection

6. wonderful; fantastic: You got two front-row seats? Beautiful!

 

7. extraordinary; incredible: used ironically: Your car broke down in the middle of the freeway? Beautiful!

Synonyms:

1. comely, seemly, attractive, fair, beauteous. Beautiful, handsome, lovely, pretty refer to a pleasing appearance. A person or thing that is beautiful has perfection of form, color, etc., or noble and spiritual qualities: a beautiful landscape, a beautiful woman. Handsome often implies stateliness or pleasing proportion and symmetry: a handsome man. That which is lovely is beautiful but in a warm and endearing way: a lovely smile. Pretty implies a moderate but noticeable beauty, esp. in that which is small or of minor importance: a pretty child.

un⋅rav⋅el

–verb (used with object)

1. to separate or disentangle the threads of (a woven or knitted fabric, a rope, etc.).

 

2. to free from complication or difficulty; make plain or clear; solve: to unravel a situation; to unravel a mystery.

 

3. Informal. to take apart; undo; destroy (a plan, agreement, or arrangement).

–verb (used without object)

	4. to become unraveled

v. un·rav·eled or un·rav·elled, un·rav·el·ing or un·rav·el·ling, un·rav·els 

 

v.  tr.

1.   To undo or ravel the knitted fabric of.
2. To separate (entangled threads).
3. To separate and clarify the elements of (something mysterious or baffling); solve.
4. To become unraveled.